A little tale of Alaska...

**This is a work of fiction/parody...any resemblance to the real actions of the individuals named is simply coincidental...but hilarious!**

Wasilla, Alaska – A couple of months after the McCain-Palin duo failed in the 2008 presidential election....

Begin Scene 1: Bristol Palin is exhausted, having had to birth a baby and do at least 24 hours of irrational travelling at the start of her labor pains. Sarah Palin explains: “I started having labor pains and travelled for hours and hours, against all advice from those ‘medical elites’ [doctors, to most people], just so I could have my baby in the methamphetamine capital of Alaska! You betcha!” So after an airplane flight to San Francisco, a train trip to Seattle, a boat journey to Juneau, and a covered wagon drive to Wasilla – we find Bristol and her family in the hospital room, several hours after the birth of her little daughter, President Maverick Palin-Johnston.

[A small knock at the door is heard by Sarah Palin; she crosses the room to answer.]

Designated Alaskan Governor’s suck-up: Mrs. Palin, we have taken care of that...er...“problem” you wanted taken care of.

SP: Ooooh, great...excellent. [cuts to a whisper] You’re sure he’s gone?

DAGS: [whispers conspiratorially] Absolutely, Madame Governor. When he saw that suitcase full of cash and condoms, he willingly got on the plane to Thailand. Oh and he said, ‘Tell Bristol there ain’t no way that baby’s mine! Sayonara, motherf***ers!’

SP [smiles slyly...and winks]: Great...you betcha! [SP strolls over to her exhausted daughter’s bed.] Oh, honey...let me hold the little sweetie again!

Bristol Palin [not Johnston? Hmmm....]: Again, Mom? Geez, Levi hasn’t even gotten to see his little daughter yet...why hasn’t he gotten back? It can’t possible take that long to organize catering for a rehearsal dinner...KFC is not even busy at this time of day!

SP: [Puts on her best “standing in front of a rally, about to mention another Arab-sounding Obama friend’s name” face] Bristol, dear...I was waitin’ for the best time to tell you this but....Levi’s gone.

BP [ha...BP’s an oil company...coincidence? I think not.]: What??? But Mama...he said he was goin’ to marry me! And that we were going to hunt moose to feed our babies! And that he was goin’ to be Daddy’s snow machine racin’ partner!!

[Meanwhile, Todd feeds baby Trig while little Piper sits by, surreptitiously reading her A Child’s Guide to Karl Marx: K is For Das Kapital (signed and air-dropped into her bedroom by Vladimir Putin himself) behind a copy of VeggiTales.]

SP: Bristol, honey...I have it on good authority that Levi was...[sharp intake of breath]...abducted.

BP: Abducted?? By aliens??

SP: Oh, don’t be silly...everyone knows aliens aren’t real...just witches, demons, and the Anti-Christ. Anyway, we think he was abducted by....polar bears!

[Everybody in the room turns towards SP, waiting to hear how-the-hell she’s going to explain this one.]

BP: Polar bears?

SP: Sure, you betcha! [SP reflexively starts winking uncontrollably, as she does whenever put on the spot to explain her statements.] I told those government folks that polar bears aren’t endangered! Why, there’s so many of them, they’ve started to round up our menfolk and hold ‘em hostage! We think they’re holdin’ Levi in exchange for us not drillin’ in the ANWR. But...and I’m sorry, honey, but you’ll understand...we don’t negotiate with terrorists...terrorist bears. Because it’s all about job creation. Maverick. [slaps face] Sorry...flashback. [Raises her fist into the air and shakes it.] Darn you, Obama!!

[As Bristol starts to cry uncontrollably, the attending doctor and nurse take comfort in the fact that – under Obama’s new social reforms, Bristol and her fatherless wilderness baby will be ok. SP picks up the child and carries her over to the window.]

SP: [whispering] Oh, little baby...I have big plans for you. When I run in 2012, I will carry you around– my sweet grandbaby – because apparently my little bundle of fuzzy hats and mittens Trig wasn’t the “good-luck charm” I thought he would be. And I will skip a generation and say YOU are the future of the Republican Party...Ayers...no experience...Joe the Plumber...gotcha media...[grits her teeth angrily] Focus, Sarah, focus!...Because although I may not win in 2012, there will always be you....[she takes the baby girl, holds her up “Lion King”-style to the window and yells]...my little President Palin!

End Scene

(c) Copyright T. Owens, 2008